Co Parenting

Today we are going to tackle a two delicate issues...

1. Partnerships/marriages that came together because of a pregnancy.

2. Marriages that have somehow gotten so far off track that you are not in the same library, let alone the same book or on the same page.

First, while pregnancy outside of marriage used to be a taboo topic in society, today this scenario is fairly common place. Worldwide, there are more and more couples consciously deciding to have children without marrying  and those that come together after an unplanned pregnancy.  This can pose some interesting challenges in relationships and sometimes legal wrangling as well.

Marriage or not, realize that as you parent together and hopefully have a deep abiding love for each other, that this will be a daily, sometimes minute by minute undertaking.  You will have to be committed EVERYDAY, not just part of the time.  So if you didn't plan to stay with this person before you got pregnant you may have a harder road ahead.  Just like marriage, you will both have to be committed to the health and well being of each other AND of the child or children you parent together.  If you plan to part then don't think it will be easy sailing there either, it will be very much like a divorce in many ways.  So all of that aside, I will take off my hat of "parenting teens old enough to have sex" and go back to my "life experience coaching".

Maybe you have decided to stay together and you don't know if you are going to make it, but you are going to try.  What now?  Just like a married couple that planned a pregnancy in a perfect world, you will have to work to get on the same page and stay there.  If you are not on the same path, you will have to work together to get there. If there is hurt in your past, you will have to do the same things that I mentioned in our post to forgive and move on in peace. Read the post HERE.

Second, we are not on the same page! So either you have come together to try to raise children and you started out not on the same page or you have been married for a while and your interests and growth have been at different paces and you suddenly find yourself irritated by a partner that isn't on the same page.  Both can be hard situations to move through. For me, I realized it later in my first marriage and then also worked to tame my frustrations with my ex as we tried to co-parent.

First, I just have to get this out of the way.  As much as you think you are right and he is wrong, you can't act that way and have a healthy marriage or co-parenting relationship.  You are absolutely entitled to your opinion and your feelings but... you didn't have those children on your own so you have to accept that the other parent has some sort of say in how life will be.  Even if what you are researching and learning about Waldorf, natural birthing, natural eating, special diets, etc. is in fact the right path... you must take into account your partner.  It is hard. I know what it is like to have an unsupportive partner. It bites.

You aren't on the same page and you acknowledge that they have some right to also govern these children, what now?  Well all isn't lost. So often the dynamics of husband and wife, the ones we have been discussing  are the answer to this conflict.  I will talk about divorced and co-parenting situations in a moment, for now let's assume that you deeply love your partner, you are working together each day to make a life together and you have mutual goals.  Maybe he was raised to think boys knitting is not a great idea or helping with chores is bad or he wants to play Call of Duty with your 4 yo?  All the spouting off to him about the awesome book you read or this awesome homeschool consultant you talked to, is not going to convince him.  Step back and think about his love language, think about how you are talking to him.  When I see something new that I want to implement, I test the waters first.  Erik and I are completely honest with each other. Responsibility on both parts to listen to each other.  With a strong marriage, trust is so important, working together from a place of trust helps you get stuff done.  If you discuss your new found diet that you want to try and he says no, find out why.  Be nice. Often "no" is really a request for more information. "Honey, what is your objection?"  sounds different than "well I am just doing it anyway!" Maybe his objection is that he is afraid he won't like the new diet or maybe he heard a horror story from someone at work about how their Waldorf educated child didn't read until they were ten or maybe his mom told him Waldorf was a cult.... your job is to ask and LISTEN.  In a marriage where you are working together, both of you have a deep desire to make the other happy, to have mutual happiness in your path of parenting and partnership.  When you are working from this place then you can conquer anything. If you can't answer his objection, ask to table the conversation until later when you have done more research.  It is likely he will appreciate your strength and follow through. If you both pray, then ask him to pray about it before giving you an answer.

Maybe you have been at this marriage for a long time and while you don't want divorce, you know you just can't make waves or it will make your life harder. So now what? Well live your life then.  Work to make YOU happy.  Work on YOU.  We can not force change in someone else, you can't sit and be unhappy either - work on you, enjoy your kids, evaluate if this is a situation you want to stay in. If this is you then pick your battles but be strong.  Don't let yourself be abused.  Seek help if you need it.

If you are divorced or heading down that path and you are trying to make changes:  If you couldn't parent together when you were married then chances are it won't be smooth sailing now, but if you can be level headed, make a good case and work from a place of mutual trust then you may be in luck. If dietary changes are 100% necessary for your child and your ex won't play ball, do not hesitate to get some legal help, but if you really just don't want them to watch tv during their visits you may have to compromise.  There aren't many things harder than compromising with someone we don't like so really work to be in a place of forgiveness. Too many times, while I was totally in the right - giving Coke to a 4yo! - it wasn't abuse under the law and I spent too much time stressing about it and not enough time letting it go so he wouldn't look for things to irritate me. If I could go back and tell myself anything post divorce it would be to CHILL. It would be to let him make a fool of himself on his own and not take part in it. Of course not every co-parenting situation is like this and there are some really big hurdles in some cases, but try not to get so upset and if you need a pep talk, drop me a note.  Remember that the only thing you can really do is keep things on the right path in your own home.  You can't parent over there, don't try. Raise your kids right.  Tell them the truth.  Be strong for them. Pray for them. And go have fun.  You won't do them any good if you don't get well rested while they are gone.

Our Auriel's Light Candle Access is full of helpful resources HERE.
More posts on Partnering HERE.