Crafting a Health Home Rhythm Part 4 - Holding the Space & Proper Authority
"How do we as parents, in today's complicated, frantic world, create an atmosphere of regularity, consistency and stability?
How best can we nurture our young child's capacities for peace, creativity, ingenuity?
The answer is simple, though not always easy. We do it by supporting their life-building will energies with the basic elements of Waldorf early education: physical and emotional warmth; a wholesome, nourishing diet; an atmosphere of beauty and reverence; consistent daily rhythms; calm, loving authority and guidance.
While each of these elements is important, appropriate rhythm and authority are particularly crucial in developing what Steiner called the "will energies." They also are particularly challenging to manifest today. " ~ Marcy Axness, PhD (Renewal Magazine, A Journal for Waldorf Education)
When I work with families, one of the hardest things for moms to come to terms with is how to hold the space and proper authority. Most of us either come from a family of overbearing parents and too much authority with spanking and verbal abuse OR we didn't have enough authority. Either way, we are often left grasping at what to do once they aren't in that super cute baby/toddler place! I have been practicing AP (attachment parenting) for a long time! With a short stint in floundering when my oldest was young, I knew right away that I didn't want to be as strict and loveless as my birth father, as frustrated as my dear mother or as permissive as my ex-husband's parents. Being AP was safe. I am a huge supporter of attached parenting and what it has done to bring awareness to parenthood for both men and women. Many of us struggle though when we search to find the answers for parenting our children as they start getting their own opinion! How do we raise obedient children in a loving, non-coercive way? How do we (and our partners!) walk away from unhealthy parenting models that we may have grown up with? It should be so easy. We should just be able to say something like "I don't spank" and that should do it all right? LOL! NOT.
Where do you stand? How do you transition from parenting the 0-3's to the 4+ and the 6+ and oh goodness the 9+ and then those teens! So much of what we do comes down to confidence. If we believe our children will respect us then they will. If we believe we can homeschool them, then we can.
A few years ago I was working to help a friend with a cottage school she was starting. We visited several Waldorf kindergartens in northern California so we could see the kindy teachers in action. In watching them, I could finally put into words what I had been practicing for years. Holding the Space. There is an energy to holding the space. There is confidence that the children - even adults - will feel, it is the Light in your good energy and it gets them to strive to their highest self. Ok... we don't say that to a child! (I can use these terms with my big kids because they *get it* they feel their energies and they know when it shifts from years of working together on owning your space and your emotions. ) So I watched these kindergarten teachers weave in and out "Johnny, it is time to clean up" ... "Suzy, come and help me with the snack." I observed what they didn't do. They didn't say "Johnny, do you want to clean up now?" or "Suzy, do you want to help me with the snack?"
We are living in a time when it seems the norm is to give children 14 options. The truth is that young children really don't need them. Neither do our big kids. When we parent with confidence and we hold the space, it isn't an icky thing - we are coming from a place of love and our children WANT to please us, they want to do what we do, so being a good example should be our gold standard. That doesn't mean we don't mess up. Sometimes we mess up royally, but we fix it and we move on. One spanking - ten spankings probably won't emotionally scar your child for life - it may have you in a place of guilt, but it likely won't scar them. What scars children is an on going fear of being beaten - not a tap on the bottom. OKAY OKAY... I hear all my anti-spanking people starting to formulate that I am a spanker - NO, NOT SO. Have I spanked? yes. Was it my proudest parenting moment? No. Do I work each day to be centered so I can live up my goals as a parent? Yes. None of us are perfect! For most of us, myself included, each day is a trip down the road of Humility, with a few stops along the path of Patience.
Children get upset. They have tantrums. They push boundaries. They pinch, bite or hit. Not all of them and not everyday, but children struggle, just like we do.
Learning to be the authority and hold the space is part of this path. Remember that it is that confidence, that Light within you that brings the energy into the space and immediately you are wearing an energetic signs that says "I am the Mom. Don't mess with me." LOL! It starts with a connection to to Divine and remembering that you were given these children - you were not given them to fail, you were given them so you can help them achieve wonderful things. God trusts you. Remember that parenthood is a mantle of responsibility more than it is a cloak of comfort! We have to decide - consciously - that we are going to walk forward and work hard to be centered each day before we greet our children. Then we are going to remember not to give them too many choices, we are in charge. If we need them to get dressed, eat breakfast, go for a walk, we are not going to ask, we are going to be matter of fact. It is time to get dressed. I am so sorry you don't want to, but it is time. Then you follow through on the motions of helping them get dressed. You aren't having a negotiation about it - in fact watch out, if you start negotiating when they are little then they will assume that is how we walk through life and they will struggle to trust anyone.
Marcy also wrote, "Meeting this challenge [holding calm, loving authority] is an opportunity for self-development. One thing we can do is learn to audit ourselves as we interact with our children. If we sense that we are acting out of fear and anxiety, the child will experience that and react negatively. If we are acting out of confidence and firm conviction, the child will behave as we ask."
Now you might be thinking "That won't work with my 9yo!" You are right! This is the foundation you start with when they are younger. It isn't cruel or mean to draw your boundary and stick to it. It is all in the HOW we do things. When we come from a place of loving support then we can give them the firm boundary they need and they feel secure in knowing that they can be a kid and not have to worry about everything. So maybe you didn't parent this way, maybe you were too permissive and now you are struggling to reign it in... DO NOT GIVE UP. You will need to be more firm, but that doesn't mean you aren't loving and it doesn't mean that you have to resort to complete coercion. It means that you are loving authority - your child needs this. It means you find your confidence. You ASK the heavens for help and then you trust the help you are given. If Johnny doesn't want to do his main lesson then sadly he can't go on that camp out. You can do it... say it with me..... NO. lol. It is okay to say no. We should say no when it is warranted. We should teach loving boundaries and we should allow them to expand when they get older. My teens might come to me and say "Mom, I really want to go to X and I know my work isn't done. Is there something I can do to still go?" My teens know when they can ask if it is something I will bend on. They know what my rules are and that I won't do a ton of negotiating (one of my favorite lines is "This house is not a democracy :)" They do know that while I won't let them get out of their work, that I am loving and will hear them out and if they present something reasonable then maybe I will go for it. It makes them think LOL and keeps them on their toes!
Learning to hold the space will really help you with your rhythm. When we start the day in confidence, we can glide into the kitchen and cook food for their smiling faces and they feel that loving Light from you as they gather at the table and then later help you tidy up and prepare for a walk. Loving Light energy isn't frantic, it isn't filled with "oh no, what if they don't obey." It is filled with that same energy that you have when you expect they will wear their seat beat - you are the authority. Making your child the co-decision maker is very confusing to them, it makes them wonder who is really in charge, you don't want that! You are the Mom. Be the Mom.
What about when you are at a play date? I get this question a lot from moms.... they don't understand why they go on a play date and the kids play nice for a bit and then it deteriorates. I always ask the mom... "Where were you?" Mom is most often in another room with another mom chatting. When we are at home with these kids all day, we crave the attention of another adult. I submit that this is NOT the way to get it. Play dates should be filled with loving Light energy from MOM. Both moms is even better! So can the children play in a common space and you knit with a friend, chat about things that are ok for children to hear. Don't talk about adult things with kids around. Holding the space doesn't end when you leave home. You may find yourself holding the space for a LOT of children! It happens to me often in church situations or with people at the grocery store.
What about teens and holding the space? That same space that allows my teens to take over and be in charge when they are alone or babysitting reverts back to me when I am home. They look to me. If I am not on my game and I haven't warned them "hey Mom is not in a great place today" - I can say that to my teens - if I don't warn them and I don't bring my loving Light to the day then it can devolve quickly.... the only thing worse than a 6yo picking on a toddler is a 16yo picking on the 6yo. Communicate with your big kids.
In closing, I hope this has given you some good thoughts on how it looks to hold the space and just how important loving authority are.
In the end, remember this parenthood thing is a high calling. We are given much and we have much to give. Strive for perfection, but forgive yourself for being human.
Part 1 HERE
Part 2 HERE
Part 3 HERE
Learn more about Waldorf Essentials Curriculum and Support HERE
