Happy Kids and Happy Parents is Possible Part 1

I remember the first time Erik met the big kids, a few months before we married. I just had Jacob and Ellie with me that day and they were 4 and 6 years old at the time.  Those two were a handful at those ages. I couldn't take my eyes off of them for a second, especially not Jacob and Ellie just followed him everywhere. The evening is still etched in my memory as if it were yesterday. Erik needed something at a big box store and then we had planned to take the children out to dinner at a pizza place that had one of those fun arcades. The entire dinner was contingent on me not needing to fight with the children or chasing them.  I made the rules very clear to them before walking into the big box store, I remember thinking in the back of my head that I loved this man and I really wanted him to see that the children were not nuts! lol. I was very nervous.  We entered the store and I gave my usual talk "if you walk by my side then you don't have to ride in the cart." Both children agreed to walk at my side. We hadn't been in the store for five minutes and Jacob took off. Pretty soon Ellie was also gone. I watched the look on Erik's face turn to disappointment.  It took me several minutes to find the children and we went straight to the car as Erik finished what he needed to do in the store. Once seated in the car, I let the children know we were not going out to eat, there were tears... I knew I needed to be firm. Erik came to the car and I told him that I needed to take them home to eat and told him how sorry I was. I remember the response from him seemed so long in coming as I sat in the car hoping and praying that he wouldn't break up with me! After we got home and I fed the children, Erik came to me and thanked me. He told me that he had been around so many friends with out of control children and he was so impressed that I took authority in the situation, even though it was hard and it would have been so easy to cave in.  A few weeks later he confessed that that day in the store was the day he decided I was the right person to marry.  He knew he wanted me to be the mother of his children. I remember feeling really touched.

I have been a follower of Steiner for many years... some of his work causes me to pause and some I just plain don't use, but for the most part he was such a brilliant man... I have gained so much from his insights into children and their development. One of my favorite resources is "Education as a Force for Social Change"  by Steiner, while he speaks about holding authority in other works, this one really brings home to me the importance for it in understanding just how it affects our children in the long run... how they will be able to relate to others in their adult life.

It is so important that we convey a strong, firm, yet loving stand when they are young and then continue this in the second stage... we can't let up in the third stage either.  Parenting is all about the long haul... not just what we are doing today, but how what we do today affects tomorrow... the next day... next year... five years from now.

In lecture one of the series, given in Dornach in 1919, Steiner discusses just how important a sense of authority is during the second stage so that we can become rooted in equal rights for one another as adults. I find that often today authority is confused with authoratative. In our book, "108 Days" we discuss this topic in depth.  Many of us grew up in less than ideal sitations, some of us had abusive parents or parents that went too far in their discipline - trust me, I understand this, my birth father was a drill sergent for most of my childhood! When I look back on my childhood, I can choose to see the spankings and the anger he gave me or I can choose to see the disciplined person I became.  I choose the latter. I am not a proponent of spanking or force, but I am a huge supporter of children understanding authority.  How can we hold authority without ruling with an iron fist?  It starts when they are so young. As you know, the first seven years these sweet little people are highly imitative... make sure they have things worthy of imitation.  Limiting media, friends without boundaries and other situations that you don't want to see them repeating is a huge help.  It can be hard when they are young and you feel stir crazy... you want to be with those other mamas... but what if their children don't behave?  Ask yourself "do I want to see this behavior in my child?" If the answer is no then you really have to evaluate your involvement. Media is huge... remember that EVERYTHING the young child sees goes right into their very being... cartoons included so again ask yourself "do I want to see this behavior in my child?"  Owning motherhood is a big step too. Owning motherhood is more than just birthing, baby wearing and breastfeeding - much more. It might seem like a no brainer when they are tiny but it will really become evident as you approach 2, 3 and older years.  Decide where you stand... decide what you want your family to FEEL like... not just look like... the looking is materialistic... you are going for how it FEELS.  Do you want a peaceful home where you have happy children - not perfect children, lol - happy parents? This feeling of peace is only cultivated when proper boundaries are put in place and parental authority is held by BOTH parents.

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