Temperament Parenting The Cozy Phlegmatic : Part 2
An example of my resident phlegmatic, Super Sam. Asks for his piece of comfort. He would like a full belly and a good television show. (GASP! Yes, TV!) For the phlegmatic child, no amount of TV is generally enough. It isn't that they are lazy, it is that they seek comfort. Older phlegmatic children and adults will often want to curl up with a book or even a book on tape. As a mom with children of all temperaments, I have to say that the phlegmatic is probably the most calm, most pleasant, most even tempered child to parent. UNLESS. Unless you need to go somewhere. Unless you need them to hurry up. Unless you need them to eat their breakfast so you can get out the door. Unless you have to be across town in ten minutes and they can't find their shoes or worse they know where their shoes are but they haven't even started putting them on and you asked them to do it ten minutes ago and can't they see you are in a hurry?! Then they look up at you with the sweetest eyes and tears are welling up because they just want to please you. Yes. I have been that mom. Have you?
Parenting the phlegmatic child. First let me say that if you are a choleric or sanguine mom, this will be no easy task. It will stretch you. As you work on yourself to balance, working with your phlegmatic child will get easier. Parenting the phlegmatic will take a great deal of planning on your part and also a lot of flexibility. When I am looking at my weekly rhythm (Sunday evening for the upcoming week) I am mindful to look at any appointments and errands and try to think about any places where my time can get sucked away. One of those time suck places is anger and frustration. When I have it in my choleric head that something needs to go one way but my beautiful SLOW son is just being his normal self.. well *I* am the one that needs the adjustment. He is just doing what comes naturally to him. So if I see we have early morning errands on Tuesday, then I make sure the menu can support that. While my other children can slog down a smoothie and gobble up eggs and rush out the door.... Sam. Just. Can't. Telling him to move faster is like telling paint to dry faster. He will be done when he is done. How do I get around this? I plan.
When he was younger. I made sure his clothes were all laid out, no itchy tags (honestly HOW did we all survive with tags as children??) I laid out his shoes or at the very least, I know where they are. Before we all sat down to eat, I made sure his meal was in a bowl that can go with him to the car and that his shoes are on his feet. This way, everyone could zoom on around him and I knew he was ready to go. This saved me so much frustration and it preserves our sweet relationship.
School work and a phlegmatic child is often fairly easy. UNLESS. Unless you are covering something that holds zero interest to them. Unless you want them to do it quickly. Unless there is something else that holds their interest much more so. How do you work with this? Well sometimes there is simply no way around it, you just have to require it. I say that, but I make sure that I balance requiring it with enough comforting activities. What is beautiful about homeschooling with a phlegmatic child is that once they have latched on to something, they will see it through, they want to know how the story ends. I have found that proper placement was most important with my sons that are phlegmatic. Pushing too early in any subject was met with resistance. Knowing when to back off and try later is a skill you will get good at honing. They are often resistant to doing something new, whether it be gaining a new skill or just starting a new lesson block, but if you are bringing the lesson at the right time, then you have a golden opportunity to cultivate learning. Be prepared for days when it feels like their heels are dug in and you can't do anything. These are perfect park days!
"when a Waldorf class teacher notices that her phlegmatic students are beginning to lag, she will insert into her story a scene with the hero entering a magnificent banquet hall elaborately decorated and filled with many gustatory delights. She describes these wonders spread out on the serving table...the phlegmatic children, suddenly attentive, even entranced, lean forward in their sets, licking their lips."(Slow, Steady, and Even-Tempered by Thomas Poplawski, MEd.)
I do love this suggested approach of how to make things interesting for them. Just like my melacholic will love a good drama, the phlegmatic will love the bits of the story or lesson that are comfort and food related. For older phlegmatic children, those that are in the grades and studying cultures, you will have them enjoying any time where cooking and eating is part of your lesson!
Let's not forget that phlegmatics, for all their frustration, are also intensely awesome people! When I think about both of my son's that are phlegmatic, what I love about them is that they are loyal, happy, even tempered children. They are stead fast and strong. They will sit with me and enjoy a piece of cake for an hour and laugh and carry on. They will tell really dumb jokes and laugh out loud at themselves. Both of them would rather I take them to a movie than on a walk. They generally care deeply about those around them.
My oldest son that is phlegmatic is also on the autism spectrum and as he has gotten older, he has been extremely concerned about how he is acting. Spectrum kids can tend to be so much in their head and while my son is indeed in his head, he is also concerned that people know he is sincere. Story from years ago. Harry and I were having a talk about an interaction I caught with a neighbor yesterday. I heard our neighbor ask Harry a question and rather than turning to the neighbor and giving him full attention, Harry mumbled the answer and kept walking. Thankfully our neighbor knows that Harry is on the spectrum and was easy going about it. This morning I mentioned that while he answered the question, the proper thing would have been to turn and look at the neighbor, make eye contact, answer and then excuse himself. I watched him ponder it for a few moments and then he hugged me and thanked me. The next interaction with the neighbor, I watched Harry purposefully make eye contact before excusing himself. He was very concerned about offending others. These children as so loving, that they tend to be pretty pliable.
Now let's explore mom a bit.
"Phlegmatics strive for ease, comfort, and relaxation. They love good food, a comfortable chair by the fire, a beautiful room, and pleasant company. They are skilled at enjoying the good things of life and thus tend to be happy people. Humor and joy come easily to them...[they are] content to sit by quietly and to relish the fine pleasures the world has to offer." (Slow, Steady, and Even-Tempered by Thomas Poplawski, MEd.)
I am betting the stereotypical stay-at-home mom, the one watching soaps and eating bon bons came from this temperament! While that would be a crazy polarization of the phlegmatic, it describes two comforts that phlegmatics tend to crave. There are SO many positives to this temperament, it is easy to ignore the negatives! Phlegmatic moms may be slower to get going, once you are going, you generally stick it out - see it through. A phlegmatic mom may really struggle with a sanguine child that jumps from project to project because Mom wants to finish one thing before moving on. This can be such a great quality, be mindful of becoming too rigid. At the same time, don't allow your calm nature to take over all the time and get bullied into being done with something that you know needs proper attention.
With my edicts of getting up before your children, I would say the ones that fight me the most, especially at first, are the phlegmatic moms. They just love that comfort of that bed - especially if there are little people in it to snuggle with. Phlegmatics and melancholics tend to family bed longer than others.. Phlegmatics crave that comfort - for themselves and their child, while melancholics are super worried they will damage their five year old if they sleep alone :) I have found that they only doubt me for a while. When they are really ready to harness their rhythm because it is something they want, not what I want or what they *should* do, then they are intensely committed and ready to go. They might email me and report that suddenly their children don't mind if they leave the bed, they are feeling so good getting up in the morning and that all that really needed to change was their desire and how they looked at it. Once the phlegmatic mom gets comfortable with the time, she will crave it and carve it out for herself.
Planning is not the strongest talent for most phlegmatic moms, however when she is carrying a strong desire to do it then she will plan and execute beautiful lessons for her children. Her struggles will be her choleric children that need her to set firm boundaries and sanguine children that want to flit about. As she balances herself, she will find the strength that lies beneath her watery temperament. Steiner called the phlegmatic, the sleeping choleric! It is in this mom to be a strong, firm leader, she just has to remember to call upon it from a place of being in charge rather than waiting until her back is against the wall. As she balances, she will easily have the empathy of the melancholic, but it won't move her to act like it does the melancholic mom. The phlegmatic mom is a great listener, she will love to have a comforting lunch and a great dessert and she will listen to your troubles all day. The phlegmatic mom that struggles with planning and lessons usually only does so because she isn't really sold on her task. Phlegmatics must enjoy what they are doing or find a piece of it to enjoy or it will seem like drudgery. She will not be attracted to Waldorf for the cute fairies and gnomes, she won't be impressed by the graduated heads of state and the good test scores Waldorf students have, she won't be swayed by the benefits of it - she will be sold, hook, line and sinker from the beauty of the method, the slower pace of things, the relaxed atmosphere. She may struggle to actually get going, but once she does, again, she will stick with it.
Stretching the phlegmatic mom. If this is you, step back and take stock. What things do you love about your home, rhythm, lessons, marriage, etc. Those are the things you will find comfort in. As we find ways to magnify those things then you will begin to get better at those that you struggle with. Also take stock of what your major road blocks are. Is it getting up before your kids? Are you just convinced they will follow you out of bed? They may for a while. I am a firm believer of when Mom changes, everything changes. Mom has to change how she thinks about things. Perhaps you create a meditation space that you look forward to in the morning, or if a nice warm shower without interruptions is what you fancy then stock your shower with something yummy to bathe with so you look forward to getting out of bed. Think of your roadblocks and find ways around them. Maybe there is a wonderful bit of breakfast that you can't have with the children up and wanting to eat it off your plate! Make it for yourself. Remember that rising before your children has a lot to do with indulging yourself in time alone. Mama, meet self :)
If rhythm and lessons are a struggle, then let's go back to the models of rhythm where I talk to you about how your want your flow at home to FEEL. Do not focus on how it looks, remember, you are all about comfort, how do you want it to feel? Do you want it to run smooth, as little fighting as possible, cooperative children? Then we have to work on that rhythm from those perspectives. If YOU want comfort, then YOU need rhythm. They will benefit, but you need it for your comfort. The same is true for lessons, meal planning, etc. Since your preferred mode is comfort and peace. then you will have to decide that being a good planner is something you are willing to harness. You MUST want it. Once you are there, this will not be such a struggle. You will value the comfort and peace it brings you and your family.
You can do this.
In closing, I want to come back to my oldest son. He loves laundry. Yes, he is crazy. No, he really isn't. He loves that he can bring comfort to us. He loves the smile on our faces. He loves the time he gets to spend alone in the laundry room with his headphones on listening to good music (his words, NOT mine!) He loves the comforting warmth of the laundry room. He loves the warm clothes as they come out of the drier. In our large family, we did three loads start to finish each day. He didn't want help. He just wanted his peace and quiet and the laundry. Phlegmatic children can be so wonderful if only we remember this when we are struggling. I would have never thought at age nine he would be where he is now!
If this is your temperament, embrace it! Love yourself. You are wonderful. Stretch yourself. Work to overcome that urge to sit at the computer. Go. Play. Enjoy the doing and the feelings that come from the doing.
Did you miss part 1? HERE IT IS
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