Temperament Parenting The Sympathetic Melancholic : Part 3
Sometimes my parenting backfires.
Does that ever happen to you?
Do you ever just start talking and somehow the wrong words are coming out and you are not sure how to stop them?
I don't need to be perfect to be a good mom. Neither do you.
Melancholics are often called "Bleeding Hearts" in mainstream culture. They are often so concerned with everyone and they struggle to balance so they can help themselves. As a mom, a melancholic is WONDERFUL at being an attached parent, but sometimes to the detriment of her marriage and herself! It can also happen that this mom is so worried she will do it wrong that she will opt to do nothing, believing that it is too hard or that she just knows she can't measure up. This same mom that is wonderful at helping Johnny with his skinned knee and truly wants to take away the pain can struggle when Johnny doesn't want to behave and won't follow the house rules.
Like the phlegmatic, the melancholic will struggle to get going out of fear or stress and then continue to struggle if there is an obstacle that might seem too big, too frightening or overwhelming. Melancholics can lack confidence. Confidence is a hard one because someone can't just hand it to you, it is something you earn by doing, by learning and it can't come from a piece of paper - it has to come from climbing over those hurdles. It helps if you have a mentor that has walked the walk you are walking. Melancholics do better with a peer/friend figure than they do with a mothering figure. The mentor has to have overcome hardship, this gives the melancholic mom someone to really relate to (even if the mentor is another temperament.)
Attention Melancholic Mom.... We ALL mess up :) Then we get up and keep going because that is what this commitment to being at home is all about.
If you are melancholic, or you think you might be, this is for you. You will gain confidence through knowing and through doing. Baby steps. For you, you should never try to wing it, you will be uncomfortable and that will come across in your lessons. Drink deeply from the well of knowledge. You will thrive with planning. The choleric needs the plan so she can be in control, you need the plan to help you take on tasks so you can be confident in your work with your child. I recommend starting planning in April... this is true for everyone, but especially for phlegmatics that like to take their time and melancholics that have a lot to learn in order to gain confidence. Sanguines will by nature be able to pull together a big plan without much time, their weakness is implementation. The choleric was planned in January and likely has the next four years planned and can't wait to teach them so she can mark it off her list!
So Ms. Melancholic, let's do an assessment of where you are with your knowledge base... make a list of the things you need to teach and make a note of the ones you feel good about, the ones you feel like you could use more work on and those that you just don't know anything about. It often happens that melancholic moms will do fine in the lower grades and then about 4th or 5th grade when the real work of history begins, then they start to get nervous. Remember that you can learn all the skills you need. Anything that you can't bring them, do not stress about! There will always be something you have to step away from, remember you don't have to be perfect. It is more important to slowly become a master of a few skills than it is to be a master of none. It is also good to know that with all the Waldorf school teachers I have known through the years - that is many - none of them ever get to all the material they want to teach. Everyone makes their planning based on what they want to happen. I always suggest doing a review midyear so you can evaluate if that plan is working for you. At that point you also evaluate your child and ask if they have stretched as you thought they would? Can they stretch more? Do you need to back off? These are all things that you won't know unless you have worked to gain the confidence, work the lessons and evaluate your child. You can totally do this! I promise.
Another way to work on confidence is to use ONE curriculum. When I talk to Waldorf moms, there is an even split between those who pull from several resources to build their own curriculum and those that stick with one voice because they like the detailed guidance. If you are a struggling melancholic mom, worried about your lessons, I would stick with ONE resource. Pick the one with the most support so you can get that peer help you crave. Once you have gained the confidence THEN you can diverge from the plan, get the confidence first.
Continue to learn. Gain mastery!
The melancholic mom will have her share of struggles. Being aware that struggles helps us, work with them.
Your downfall will come in sinking into depression (too much inward thinking) and also in laying judgment upon others that don't have your view. While you are wildly sympathetic, you can also become overly concerned with your own plight. This can even be the plight of mothering children that you are so sure you are damaging daily. Steiner's wisdom would have you work to focus on the plight of others... you THRIVE at serving. Find ways to serve. Again, be careful. If your choice of service is a planet saving one, it is VERY easy to become fixated on the plight of our planet and have it cripple and depress you. I am not saying to avoid it, just be mindful. I would suggest your main service be one on one with someone else that could use your help or that needs you. My son that is melancholic can be in a bad mood and then go help our elderly neighbor in her garden and he will be filled with joy for days. This is the kind of service you should strive for.
To avoid the depression place, you will have to be very mindful of your daily feelings. Give yourself a time frame. Maybe you surrender to the feelings for a couple days - YOU make the determination... make it now, don't wait for depression to come knocking... maybe two days? Allow yourself two days to mope or eat chocolate, or otherwise wallow in your sadness. Then light a switch, you commit to making the choice to do something productive, service oriented or uplifting. Most people with mild to moderate depression can work with this. If you need medication, then get some! Whether it be herbs or an prescription from your doctor, if you are having bad bouts of depression, get some help. Melancholics can become martyrs and that isn't healthy behavior.
You might also struggle with resentment. While all temperaments can have this issue, melancholics can get kinda mean. All extreme temperaments can lead to personality disorders - yeah, let's avoid that! Our culture seems to breed these extremes in recent years - maybe always? To stay away from that place, we have to work to stay present. We have to communicate. We have to learn to balance. If you find yourself resenting your children, your partner, your parents... stand back and try to take a healthy look at your own part in it all. Then don't wallow... instead SOLVE. Remember your mentors, look to them and find out how they overcame hardships and frustration. Work on forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Along with forgiveness, work on boundaries. Boundaries and forgiveness go together.
Boundaries begin at home. If you came from a family that didn't have boundaries then you will likely either be really good at them or really bad at them. Often, it is the latter. The melancholic wants to help, wants to rescue, wants to serve. This can allow you to become unbalanced and put yourself second - which is fine in some instances but never where mental, physical or emotional health are concerned. Discipline at home can be one of those tough boundaries. My guess is that you have read every attachment parenting book from Dr. Sears to The Continuum Concept. You had a natural birth (or wish you did), cloth diapered, extended nursed and co-slept - okay, those aren't necessarily melancholic traits - all temperaments can be AP, but the melancholic is often taking these concepts much more internally than others. That is OK! Remember, I said that sympathy and empathy were two of your best strengths! There will be a time in your parenting where you will have to say NO. It may be redirecting a very high needs toddler or helping with the will development of a three year old, whatever it is, the word NO will be needed. That of course doesn't mean you can't be attached! I just means you have to look at boundaries, the situation, how you are holding the space, etc. It means you have to plan and you have to stick to your plan. If Johnny acts up in the grocery store, are you going to beg him to stop? Or are you going to just pack him in the car and leave. I like to have an escape route in every situation. Before I get out of the car, no matter where I am, I am thinking to myself "If I have to leave, I will....." this keeps it fresh and lets me set the boundary with the children. I set boundaries by saying things like "You may walk, but if you run then you will get in the cart." Then my job is to put them in the cart when they run. That sends the message that I am holding the boundary and I am willing to step up. If we allow 14 chances, then they will not think we are serious. What seems like cute silliness in a young child, will not seem so cute at 8, 10 or 15! Decide when they are young how you want them to behave. That of course doesn't mean they are in a straight jacket, but it means you have set boundaries for what is appropriate in your home and what isn't.
The melancholic mom and her children.
Life would be easy if we only dealt with our own temperament! Easy and worth it though are two different things. We learn so much from interacting with others and home life can become a wonderful proving ground. The melancholic mom will likely bristle the most at her choleric children. They will be bossy and they need YOU to become the bossy leader when working with them. Remember they need a parent to lead - it is NOT enough for that parent to just be Dad. Your challenge will be to develop a Ms. Bossy Pants when you need to. Your sanguine child will likely frustrate you because she is jumping from one thing to the next and you are very concerned about her developing will and how will she ever do anything with that temperament, etc. For her, you will need to have periods of will building but also of changing scenery. That doesn't mean you are on outings each day, but it does mean that you will need to keep their lesson work flowing and lively, this will help them gain a desire for depth. Also, it is likely that while this child may frustrate you, you also have a deep, loving connection. Strengthen that and always keep in mind to preserve the relationship. You will likely be most at home with phlegmatic children, although their appearance of laziness may sadden you and also with other melancholics, although if you are balanced at all, their bouts of wallowing may be more than you can handle. The trick is to observe them and take care of you.
Inner work for the melancholic mom can take place in many ways... it often doesn't work for people to be frank with you about cheering up, so your focus could be more on those that have hardships. As I mentioned above with a mentor that has been through hardships, it is also helpful to think about religious figures, historical favorites, etc. to draw some good inner work from. Be sure that you aren't going overboard, for instance, don't pick Christ as your focus if you are Christian... while YES, you should seek Christlike attributes and Christlike living, aligning yourself completely with a being that is thought to be perfect will only frustrate you. I like Paul. He was a bossy apostle, but also introspective. He had many struggles and through his life was wanting people to see the Christ in him, rather than to be Christ. Paul's desire was to cast off his natural man and be more Christlike. There is that fine line....because remember we don't want to sink into judgment of others. Others might choose historical figures, feminine figures - there are two prophetesses in the Old Testament to focus on - Debra and Miriam, both strong women that had many obstacles to over come. For those of different faiths, pick something that you connect with - for goddess religions, there are many faces of the Goddess, Lilith is one, as she was cast out... Ostara... find someone that you connect with for your inner work, this will help you in times of sorrow and struggle.
Your biggest asset will be building your will through mastery, observing and simply doing. You will get stronger, more balanced and become a better mother and teacher in the process.
Did you miss part 1? HERE IT IS
Part 2 HERE
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