Crafting a Healthy Home Rhythm Part 8 - The Fluff

With that in mind... let's make sure you feel good about Parts 1-7 of this series.  If not, do not start on the fluff. The fluff will not change your lives in the long run.  Actively parenting and holding the space in a daily rhythm will change your lives.  The fluff will just bring in more fun.  So we are on the same page... continuing to read means that you have gone through and begun to master the foundations laid out in 1-7.

Fluff takes on many forms.  It can be the beautiful wooden toys we see in catalogs or in on line shops.  Let's start there.

Toy fluff.  If you are new to Waldorf, this aspect is both delightful and frustrating. Often we want these toys more than our children do.  We have to keep that in mind when we are knocking ourselves out to buy the perfect gift.  There are many considerations, including environmental, ethical, esthetics, etc. When Waldorf became a big part of our toy life, my older children were very young.  Like many moms, I was fretting over having the perfect play things.  I remember when we still had the little rubbery Little People from Fisher Price. I knew they were not what I wanted to have around and I was striving to do better, but I can remember one interaction that just made me feel terrible.  A mom from the new play group that  I was so excited to be a part of, said to me "I choose wooden because I don't want my children to die from cancer after mouthing plastic toys." She said it right as Ellie, then about 6 months old, was mouthing a toy from the Little People Farm I was trying to get rid of.  I felt a pit in my stomach and spent some time crying afterward.  In looking back, that mom thought she had something to prove.  She defined herself on her house, her children's toys and how many loaves of bread she made each week.  That is not healthy behavior. When you are approaching the toy fluff, you will not win any contests by running out and replacing toy for toy. 

Steiner talked about simple toys during his simple time. He talked a lot about materialism.  You can have simple toys and be a materialist!  Ask yourself with each step - "do we need this?"  Before you start buying, I would look at the toys you have and seriously cull them.  What can be reduced?  Start with toys that are not played with.  Then once you have purged these then look at the toys that are regulars in your house.  Now I know many moms rotate toys. I don't.  Don't yell at me :)  You can rotate them if you want.  Since I started this track, my life has changed monumentally and I decided that if I had enough toys to rotate then we had too many.  This can be REALLY hard with a young child.  I am not suggesting that you go through and get rid of toys they love.  Not suggesting that at all. What I am suggesting is a transition that over the period of 6-12 months can downsize into a manageable toy stash.   I learned a lot over the years - much of it through making mistakes!  Sam has super heroes mixed in with the wooden toys.  I would have cringed when my big boys were little to see this.  With Sam, I was in a better place... a place of not judging everything.... a place of working to understand rather than trying to convert everyone around me.  I began to really watch Sam in his play.  One day I noticed that there was a little figure of The Hulk in the wooden house with the other toys.  I asked, "Sam what is the Hulk doing in the play house?"  He told me that the animals needed help moving furniture and cleaning and the Hulk was strong so they asked him to help. The use of the toy melted me heart. My only rule was that Iron Man wasn't shooting any of the forest animals.  Of course I am always amazed when he tells me that the figures have a place in the play and they are generally good places.  Having not seen any of the movies himself, he is forced to use what he thinks he knows and make up the rest.  It is very sweet.  I wouldn't take those toys out of his play - it would make him more sad.  Integrating them all is a much healthier way to approach it.  Children will gain the desire for the esthetic in time..

Be aware too that play changes.  There will be a time when most children ask for something that isn't wooden or cute or remotely what our Fluff mind thinks they need.  Again, ask yourself about balance.  How balanced in this situation?  While a birthday party that is completely Lego themed isn't wrong, it also isn't balanced. So how can you balance things for your older children?  I like to continually ask what my child needs.  I ask God (Source) these questions often.  It is only through connecting that I can find what my child needs.

Don't be sad if your child doesn't take to all the toys you want them to have.  Unless you live in a cave and never go to Target, then your child will see other toys. I spent a lot of time making sure my children had access to good quality toys. One time I had to walk past the toy section and just at Sariah's level, there was one of those (gag) plastic purses with a little cell phone in it and fake lipstick, plastic keys, etc.  She thought it was the cat's pajamas!  She picked up the box and wanted it to come home.  Of course I didn't let that happen, but I did let her stand there in the toy section and enjoy its plastic goodness for a moment to get it out of her system, then I distracted her and we moved on.  She loves her Waldorf dolly and her desire to have the plastic purse didn't make her love of that doll any less.

As moms, we have to detach from the toys we give.  I promise that you will be much happier it you do.  Teach your children to care for all of their toys and that will carry over into the good wooden, natural toys you are buying.

Focus on keeping things simple.  Don't replace toy for toy.  Think about basics.  What can you make?  Nothing? Then get over to Thinking Feeling Willing if you are not already and get going on some handwork!  Handwork is such a wonderful way to bring things to your children and also further your skills.

Meal time fluff.  This is really two fold.  The Waldorf journey often takes us to a place of really understanding our bodies and our dietary needs more.  We may be exploring things we didn't think of before.  Maybe we are uncovering food allergies we didn't know about or maybe we have just made the commitment to not eat the way 90% of the rest of civilization eats.  Being conscious can take many forms. In it all, be kind to yourself.  Be happy with your progress and don't expect to get there overnight.  If you are completely altering your diet, then make sure you purposefully put some fun in it.  Remember that kids raised on no refined sugars taste things differently than those of us that allow our babies to have M&M's.  LOL... it is ok.  Where ever you are, work within that context.  The M&M comment aside, I was being a bit tongue in cheek there... feed your children mostly whole foods and they will ask for them.  

We have a child with food sensitivities; we are mindful of it.  I like to have raw milk and make my own butter, creamy soups, breads, etc. but I have come to a place where that striving does not define me.  If I can do it, great, if I can't one week because our rhythm was off or someone was sick or I was called to help someone else... it is ok.  In the years when my son's food issues ruled us a lot more, I had to be super mindful of everything.  I had to prepare in advance and we had to eat on a schedule. If this is your reality, then your food prep has to become part of your daily rhythm.  While for me, making butter is in my schedule, I won't fall apart if I can't do it, maybe you are different, maybe you are gluten free and you must make sure your kitchen stays that way... work it in.  If you need help, ask :)  I am happy to help you with some short cuts. I found labeling flours, making up mixes, chopping raw ingredients, etc. to be very time saving for me over time.

How about that perfect verse and candle... what about that fluff?

Remember there are seasons to life.  If you will spend more time keeping the toddler out of the flame, then skip the candle!  I find that by the time they are about 3 years old they can exercise more control - this is general though, I had one son that couldn't exercise it at 10!   The practice of lighting a candle and saying a prayer or verse can bring mindfulness and quiet to your meals.  Do not do it because you think it is part of Waldorf and you have to... do it because it resonates with you AND with your partner. Talk about it together before you get started bringing it to your meals. Then spend time talking to your kids about it.   Don't spring it on everyone.  Take the time for mindfulness.  Once you have an idea of what you want to do then introduce it with a meal that also invites reverence.  Don't bring it in on pizza night, start on a night when the mood brought by the food is calm.

Some ideas?

Start simple.  If you are not in the habit of prayer at meals then consider how you can bring this to everyone.  A verse or prayer song might be easiest at first.  Begin by preparing for your meal.  Wash hands.  Washing hands is a beautiful gesture and brings reverence to the meal time space.  Then gather, pick a child to light the candle or ask Dad to light it as a significance of his leading and guiding role in the home.  Then either join hands or bow heads and try a verse like:

Blessings on the blossom,
Blessings on the fruit,
Blessings on the leaf and stem,
Blessings on the root.

OR

For these things we give thanks.

OR

If you would like to start praying together, pick a child to say the prayer.  We sort of laugh about this one.  We have such eager prayer givers that it can become a fight, so Daddy assigns the mealtime prayers. They are often simple and sweet, sometimes long suffering and deep, other times short and to the point.

Rituals and fluff around mealtimes can help with children that are fussy eaters or those that want to take forever to get on with things.  When we begin in reverence, it gets everyone headed toward the direction of receiving nourishment.  When we don't come together in prayer, there is a haphazard chaos that tries to prevail. Being mindful and standing strong with your partner helps this energy be where it should be.

Bedtime fluff. When I hear the bedtime rituals of some Waldorf families I am amazed anyone sleeps! LOL.  No really.  14 stories, 3 songs, a prayer, two glasses of water, a snack, and, and, and.  We need to think about a few things when we are crafting our bedtime rituals.  The first thing is "what is my goal?"  If your goal is to get this child to sleep, then let's focus on calming MINIMAL activities.  This is the last squeeze they will get for a few hours, BUT we are with them ALL day!  Let's be realistic about what they really need.  This is a place where I also encourage Dad to step in a lot because generally he isn't around all day.  They need some Dad strength at night too.  Leave space for this nighttime ritual to change as your child changes.

When I married Erik, the nighttime ritual was a mystery to him.  He was never "tucked in" at night.  He told his parents good night and he went to bed.  Having a long drawn out ritual was something he had to adjust to.  It also gave me pause and cause to adjust.  Was I doing too much and was it affecting my own down time at night.  When examined, it was. So then I had to be studious and prayerful about how to fix it in a healthy way. I began to examine what my children needed at each stage in their lives.

If you are mothering really little ones, say 2 and under, then your rituals will look different than if you are mothering primarily older children.  Really small ones are often still nursing or just needing some snuggles and a prayer to get them off to dreamland.  Don't over complicate it for this age.

The 3-5 yo set can probably use a bit more.  Maybe a song.  If you do a story, be sure to keep it simple.

The 5-8 yo set will want a bit more still.  This is a good time to start a chapter book at bedtime.  I encourage you to make parameters with this.  The entire night time rhythm has to work for everyone, so if it doesn't start on time then these extras don't get to happen.  The big kids are usually really good about making sure this happens, they want the story! Look at how much time your night time rituals take and don't let them fall beyond the time you have set out for them to get into bed.  Also, again, make sure Dad helps if he can.

Set the expectation that you are off duty at a certain point.  Everyone has had their last drink, their last song, their last story.  It is now time for you to center and be done for the night.  Remember that we can be loving and firm at night.  Remember that it doesn't always go the way we want it to.  Remember that the fluff changes over time.

Bigger kids, 9 & up, often want something more at bed time.  They may want quiet time to read on their own or some may want a few minutes to talk to you with all the other children down for the night.  Be open to things changing for children as they grow.

Keep in mind always how important sleep is.  If you don't have a firm testimony of how important it is then email me.  Sleep is very important.  Getting your children in a good place so you can in turn be in a good place is a fantastic striving.

I hope this piece and the series has been helpful.  Remembering to be strong in the foundations of Waldorf before you try to run with everything else will help you in the long run.  It will keep you from burn out.  Never forget why you are taking the journey.

Part 1 HERE
Part 2 HERE
Part 3 HERE
Part 4 HERE
Part 5 HERE
Part 6 HERE
Part 7 HERE.