Evaluating Your Relationship with Your Partner, Forgiving and Everything in Between

This encompasses more than just the dynamics between husbands and wives.  I work with same sex couples, couples that live together and are not married and also with single parents - what I find, is that the issues are the same.  The same dysfunction occurs and in turn the same beauty.  My aim will be to talk to all families without making too many generalizations. Please don't take my word as gospel truth, seek confirmation on your own.  Search, ponder and pray about your own relationships and your own connections.

This will not be an easy for some.  If you are struggling, it is likely that you will be upset with me at some point.  I want to say right now that it will never be my intent to make you sad or mad and if you do find yourself in that place, please step back and look deeper.  If I strike a cord there might be a reason. Also, if I say something that just doesn't resonate with you, skip that part and come back next time.

For those who are new to me and the work we do, I have not always been a happy person in a near perfect marriage. I spent 13 years figuring things out in my first marriage.  I spent a lot of time trying to change him when in the end the only one that really changed was me.  In the end, I got healthy and years later, he's still struggling.  That is his walk though and even though it has been hard on our children, I have to believe that they knew when they chose him to be their father that it wouldn't be a rosy path.  I believe we are all together before we come here... we know what we are getting into and even if I am wrong about that one, it is just life and we have to walk on in order to get through.

Evaluating things.

We have a lot to consider before we get to real work.  It is always good to take stock, to stand back and try to get an unbiased look at the big picture.  I think that even when we feel like we have a good marriage it is a wonderful exercise to do.  Having been on the dark side,  I try to make this evaluation process something that I include in my regular meditations. My marriage is wonderful, but I can always take a good look at how I can work on myself, which in turn makes our hearts stronger as one.

Taking stock for the first time can seem a little overwhelming, especially if you have been together a long time.  I want you to go all the way back to the beginning. This is especially hard if you are not in a good place with your partner right now. I want you to go all the way back.  The day you met, think about what you were wearing, how you felt.  Think about who you were then.  How much have you personally changed? Some were lucky enough to meet and marry someone to walk this path of alternative living with, others have changed and perhaps their partner is not on board.

When I met my ex, he was a hippie and I was pretty uptight... somewhere in 13 years we made a role reversal. Now he is super conservative and I am much more middle of the road.  This caused a great deal of contention in our marriage.  From the news we listened to all the way to the way we ate.  It affected the way I wanted to raise and nurture our children.  I was very much wanting everything natural and he felt like he made a lot of money why should we live like hippies, lol.  This taking stock business can be hard!  I remember when I did it for the first time.  I had taken a class based on a workshop from Carol Tuttle.  She is a self help guide and a Rapid Eye Therapist.  My marriage was in big time trouble.  We were not sleeping in the same room and we were in counseling.  I took home her book and started reading.  I was working on a mental check list/evaluation and it didn't look good. I didn't want to be with him.  She suggested having sex and that was the LAST thing I wanted to do with him.  I was living each day more angry than the last.  There was no meeting in the middle for me.  I had tried and felt like either I was failing or I was just done.  In looking back, I don't regret ending that marriage, it had to end for the phase of my life I am in now to come to fruition, BUT... I do often think about my part in things.  When we are angry and we are working with a partner suffering from anger, mental illness or even spectrum issues, it can be so draining. Parenting with them can be even more draining. Intimacy can feel forced or just plain icky.  These seeds don't grow overnight.  There is no fast growing seed of contention, it is cultivated just like seeds of love, hope and faith are. If we cultivate contention then that is what grows in our garden.  This exercise is meant to help you look at your garden.

A very wise woman told me once that a happy, nurtured marriage never has either party complaining to someone else. That means you don't call up your mom and vent about your husband. That doesn't mean that seeking help or guidance is the same as venting.  There is a difference between "help me to navigate this" and "can you believe his nerve??" They are very different.  So in your evaluation process, step back and ask yourself... when was the last time I vented about my husband to someone other than my husband.  That is tough!  I used to complain about my ex ALL. THE. TIME. It was easy to make that part of every conversation with my mother or my friends.  Now granted, I had a lot to complain about, but I was going about it all wrong.  I have a strict rule in my marriage now. I don't say anything to ANYONE about Erik that I would not say directly to him.  NOTHING. That doesn't mean Erik is perfect, lol... it just means that I love him enough for him to be the first person I complain to about something he did. In all the years, I can count all of our fights on one hand and there has never been shouting.  Now I like to yell... I am Italian... it is in my blood.  I have yelled at my children more than I should have, but never at my husband.  I have walked that road, it isn't fun. I knew my first marriage had to be over when my little ones huddled together and sought comfort from my oldest who was 7 at the time. It was a pretty humbling moment.

In your evaluation... ask yourself HONESTLY,
Who starts the fights?  
Who fosters the contention?  
When was the last time you sat down together and had a heart to heart?  
How close are you?  
Can you tell your husband something that you would tell a close girl friend or your mother?
If not, why?
Has it always been that way?
If not, when did it change?

Often I hear that things change when babies come along. As moms we are sold often on the attached way of parenting and sometimes we forget that made a commitment to our partner first.  (Unless of course you married because you got pregnant and that is a whole other post, let me know if you want me to tackle that!)  When you came together with your partner and decided to have children, the commitment was first to that partner.  Adults understand that the partnership changes with children are born. At least healthy adults do.  It is very important not to fall into a sibling relationship. It is important for that same open-honest communication to be fostered... again, cultivated while you are in the early years of parenting.   Somewhere in here, the intimate relationship goes from give-give to take-take.  

Many are no longer coming together in a communion of giving ourselves over to a union of love - the spirituality can be extinguished from your love making if it isn't cultivated. If you have sex now just to keep the peace... just know that it isn't normal or healthy.  You should have sex because you want to... because you seek that spiritual connection that you had in the beginning. (if you never had it, that is another topic all in itself. Being intimate is more than just a physical act... in fact the words sex and intimacy don't really even mean the same thing.  While intimacy can include sex, it doesn't have to - the word itself imparts more connection than just the physical act.  When was the last time you had intimate time and are you looking forward to it again?  Now if you are like us then you may be constantly trying to find a quiet spot in the night when everyone is sleeping... in their own bed... or hiding to find space... or getting a cheap hotel, pizza... babysitter... find the time.  It is so important to connect with each other.  If you haven't connected in a while and you miss your partner, TELL THEM! Love notes, text messaging (CLEAN) and whispers in the ear can heal a day of stress and frustration.

Realize in this intimacy equation that if you have a partner that is on the spectrum, their physical needs are sometimes different.  I have given this a lot of thought and watched both my ex and my oldest son.  There is a need for them to feel love through physical connection.  A man (or woman) not raised to understand love and what it means to them on the spectrum can feel very rejected by not having their "sex quota" met.  If you are struggling with this, know that you are not alone. It is continual work to help your partner know that you understand their love language and that you also have one.  It can be very black and white for them so really work to understand each other's needs.  Now if you partner is not willing to discuss that they are on the spectrum, lol... but it is obvious to you, then you will have to phrase things differently.  Go back to those loving feelings you had early in your relationship.

Remember this is just an evaluation.  It will teach you a lot about yourself, what you are willing to put up with and how maybe you can help change any bad dynamics just through looking at things differently.

Destructive habits.
These are things that rip a family apart if they aren't controlled. Porn. Alcohol. Drugs. Even excessive gaming. There are so many vices we have to sort through these days. Porn isn't a boys will be boys kind of thing.  It is a real problem.  I am not talking about watching a flick to tantalize you both or something fun you do together.  I am talking about addiction. What starts out as something small can often turn into a problem and before you know it, there is a hole that wasn't once there.  This is where being close is so important.  Addiction... no matter what it is, is a problem.  Someone that views porn daily, drinks daily or uses drugs daily has an issue.  I am certainly not qualified to answers all the questions that arise from addiction except to know that it hurts families. I don't drink because I spent 13 years married to someone that wouldn't stop drinking.  Children see it. If you don't think they do, you are kidding yourself. Children know.   I wanted to write about this because I believe that if affects more homeschooling families than one would think. I talk to hundreds of families a year and dozens of them struggle with these kinds of addictions.  Get help. If your partner won't get help, then you get help.  There is help out there.  If you are struggling and want me to help you find help... email me.  I will help you. This is serious business. It affects not just your marriage.  It affects your children.  It will for certain affect your connection to each other and to the Divine.

Once you have taken stock, then some big decisions have to be made. I will say that I do believe ANY marriage can be saved.  It takes two people to do it.  If you are walking this road and your partner is toxic, remember that all you can do is work on yourself.  You have to leave space for your partner to live out their agency and then you have to decide if that is ok with you.  Everyone is different.  Things that might not work for you, maybe completely acceptable to your neighbor or friend.  Do not judge yourself on their standards.  These decisions should take a lot of prayer and meditation.  It isn't to be taken lightly.  Remember  you can only be responsible for your own happiness.  You can't control your partner or make them happy.

So you have taken stock and you both have decided that you will be in trouble if things don't change.  Remember that this is a journey together. You will both likely go at different speeds and will both likely have different issues come up.  To heal and grow, you have to agree to tackle them together and treat each other with dignity as you are walking this together.  Honesty is SO very important.  Safety is also important. You need to feel like your relationship is a place where you can both be honest and feel safe.  BOTH of you need this. If this area is a problem, you may really want to consider marriage counseling.  

It helps to identify the areas where you both feel work should be done.  Perhaps you are struggling with not getting enough time to yourself but maybe he works 80+ hours a week and just can't fit in time for you to be alone.  Issues like these can become fight topics and lead to anger and frustration for both partners.  It is a very real issue in homeschooling families and often leaves mom burned out and feeling like a failure.  If you are both tackling the issue together, then you can begin to heal - sometimes just the slightest adjustment can make all the difference.  Is there a way his schedule can be changed around, even just shifted here or there so you get more time?  Even two hours a week makes a giant difference.

Maybe your struggles are much bigger... are they financial and that causes you to fight?  Or maybe they are meddling in-laws?  Or substance abuse?  No matter what they are, tackling them together is a big help.  When you are both on board, that also means you will have to take on some of the responsibility for things being the way they are.  Women will often hold on to things, letting them build... we do this and then like a balloon, we either explode or let all the air out at once.  This isn't healthy on our part and it isn't a good model for our children.  One thing that I learned in healing from my divorce, is that I had a part in things.  Sure he was XYZ, but I was also PDQ. I allowed the situation to get to the place it was and I wasn't always nice and caring about our struggles.  Accepting and OWNING my part allowed me to heal and also allowed me to begin the forgiveness process.  Forgiving can be hard.  The process isn't much different when you are living together than it is if you have divorced. Forgiveness MUST happen for true healing to occur.

Owning our part in things can be so hard. I often compare adult and child relationships. We are so much like the child we once were - especially if we never grew beyond that place of needing to be right.  I have found that many adults are stuck somewhere between the 9 year change with a quest to be critical and right at all costs and the changes that happen when we are about 18 when our intellect is in full swing. I noticed within myself that marrying young kept me from fully stepping out of that place - don't take that to mean I think all that marry young are here, but many are.  You know that you are in this place if you fight with your partner like you did with your siblings. This constant quest to be correct, holding a grudge and in turn distancing yourself from your partner.  Punishing them rather than solving issues that come up. 

When we can see these patterns within ourselves, then it is easier to extinguish and redeem them.  Temperament work can help with this so much. Erik and I have temperament chats all the time.  We know each other well and we are often discussing just how much one of our children is taking on the positive or negative aspects of their temperament.  Working together with temperament can be a double edged sword, but it can also be a huge eye opener.  It is not likely that you will get a 30 year old phlegmatic to stop seeking comfort in TV or video games, but helping them to understand that it is in their nature to want to have their hiney glued to the sofa may get them to seek more active, balance activities.  Older teens and adults can set out to actively work on their temperament by being present in each situation and evaluating what their first impulse is and what a more balanced response could be. For instance, I have two fairly phlegmatic sons. It DRIVES ME BANANAS to see them with a game controller in their hand? Waldorf aside, that game controller within moderation should NOT bother me.  That bossy choleric in me wants to start questioning... how long have you been playing that? Can't you do something else?  Wouldn't a board game be more fun?  The sanguine in me wants to get them doing something that I think would be more fun.  To balance myself, I have been working on stopping, asking Melisa... what bothers you about this?  Is it that these two would play games all day if I let them?  Is a loving reminder of the rules enough? Or do I need to drill them (not!) The choleric in me wants to control them but I know enough about temperament to remember that the phlegmatic will dig in their heels and then be super grouchy. It is all in how I approach them.

How do I use this with Erik? We both work together to help each other with triggers.  If he sees the kids doing something that he knows will get me going, he will take it on first.  As a phlegmatic himself, he can respond to the children in ways that I am sometimes struggling with.  He can be super easy going and turn my mountain into a mole hill and then an ant hill before I even have a chance to open my mouth.  Conversely, I can do the same if I see something that might set him off.

Sometimes we are looking at working with temperament in each other and with other adults.  This can be tricky and sound manipulative, but it really isn't when your intent is pure.  We have to remember that each temperament has a sweet spot.  It is that spot that can turn that person and only those who really know them can do it.  Let's remember that phlegmatics love comfort, peace, harmony... the basics of food, sex and calm are blissful things :)  Cholerics like to be in charge, they like order, chaos frustrates them.  Melancholics love to be needed, to see people be compassionate, they love to feel good but often they would say they are troubled.  Sanguines can forget stuff quickly, they are great in a fight for this reason, lol, but they are also loving, caring and adventurous.

So how do these temperaments work together?  Often these base human nature parts of ours (our temperament) get in our way after years (of even months!) of being too comfortable and forgetting to inspire our partner.  Maybe you are phlegmatic and your husband is choleric. Gosh that is a hard one... he wants order and you struggle to keep house.  This is often a struggle with a melancholic/choleric pairing as well.  There will have to be some meeting in the middle. If you are phlegmatic, you might just have to work on your own personal comfort level and change it to include a clean house while your husband might have to give a little on the level of clean - the amount of order, etc. You will both do well in the area of not having chaos, parent together so you can reduce this.  If you are melancholic, your biggest challenge might be to help your choleric partner understand that you feel talked down to when they are bossy, you spend all day extending compassion to the children and it can be exhausting to then keep house too.  Realize that your partner needs zero chaos as much as you need 100% compassion so work together on a parenting style that reflects both.

Sanguine and choleric pairings can be great because the choleric can spout off and the sanguine is quick to forgive and move on, but the struggle can be that the sanguine will often seem (or really is) disorganized.  You are a great planner Sanguine Mom, but your follow through is only as good as the next fun thing you want to do.  Work to balance his need for order and your need for flexibility.  You can do anything if you work together.

No matter what your pairing, you can work together to bring out the best parts in your temperament and your partners.

As you work through the healing process, realize that you will have a fair amount of work to do on yourself.  I recommend joining our Candle Access at Auriel's Light or our Thinking, Feeling, Willing at Waldorf Essentials.

Healing begins with realizing there is work to be done together.  It will not be easy.

Let's talk about forgiveness.  Just like you, my path to wholeness will likely not ever be really complete until I leave this earthly existence. I am a work in progress.  Each step that I take toward working on myself is a gift that I give myself, my partner and my children.  A story from my journey .... "I began to feel like I had another level of poo to shed. Old stuff wasn't coming back, but things were surfacing that I didn't think mattered before.  In my morning prayers one winter day, it hit me.  It literally nearly knocked me over. The energy of the experience was palpable. Forgiveness.  At first it didn't make much sense to me, forgiveness had been my work for a long time.  Surely I had let go of everything I needed to.  I pondered the answer for a few days and it kept coming back.  Like TP stuck to my shoe, I knew I had to get rid of it.  I would have to explore it more.  It was about a month since my middle son had gone to live with his father and I was wrestling with my part in it and just how much I was supposed to let go.   I didn't feel like the forgiveness was to come from there. It kept coming back to my ex.  His part in things that while I had let go, I couldn't really forgive completely. Our battle was an intensely personal, incredibly mean one that took almost all of my sanity and nearly every dime I had. I had a lot of forgiving and it came in stages."

Often forgiveness comes in layers like an onion, bit by bit.  Forgiving a partner that you have chosen to stay with, will have much the same process, it will be a process.  Something will happen and the hair on your neck will stand up and your heart will harden.  It is your job to work with that emotion toward forgiveness. Conversely the same is true if they are working to forgive you.

Forgiveness is an extremely spiritual undertaking and one that is very hard when we are also struggling with humility. The two go hand in hand and they are also never perfect.  It is more than just forgiving the person and then walking away.  We have to examine it a bit and really come to terms with it. For me, I had to have the help of my personal faith to be able to withstand the pain of working it over again.  I remember the night I chose very well.  It was a Thursday evening and I had early morning (4:30am) coaching calls the next morning.  Everyone in my house was asleep and I was wrestling with the experience.  It was late, close to midnight.  I knew that the next morning I would need to parent and run a business, all on little sleep. I slid out of bed and onto my knees and I began to plead with God. As tears fell, I could feel the presence and warmth of the Spirit.  I continued to plead for my own forgiveness, carrying the burden was much more than I could bare.  I realized just how much I needed to let go.  The process seemed to go on for hours. Once complete, I crawled into bed. I slept the sleep of a thousand nights.  I woke before my alarm refreshed and ready to meet the day and my family.

Never underestimate the power of forgiveness.

What will you do today to work on healing with your partner?

Our Auriel's Light Candle Access is full of helpful resources HERE.
More posts on Partnering HERE.